Monday, July 31, 2017

1 week left

I am so anxious. At times I am OK but the last few days I've been on the verge of tears occasionally just out of stress.
Why?
In 2 days J leaves to work for a weekend where he will be well paid and with good people but will get little sleep int he very hot sun. He gets back monday sometime utterly exhausted after working and likely up ~30 hours straight and as soon as he arrives we have to toss a few things into the van including me and be off to BC to make it for the training I have to attend for the festival I am volunteering at in BC. I will drive as much as possible and hopefully J can sleep, with a brief stop to sleep a few hours at my sisters on the way. J is also working in BC but he doesn't have to be there until wednesday. We are doing things this year that have never been done before for harm reduction and I really should be there for the training... So we are essentially packing up for 3 weeks away camping now and he is incredibly stressed about it all.

Thing is - we had a few weeks to plan and we have been somewhat getting shade and other items, but we keep bickering and being busy with life so we haven't had as much time to plan as we'd like...plus, the time we have together that is good has been enjoyed relaxing and so really...not quite ready. We'll get by, but not super-planned or fun-planned like in the past. Since J has started working festivals the house becomes an explosion of camp gear and equipment from May until September. There's just stuff everywhere, which makes it seem more maddening than it should be...and I just want to get on the road.

We are already bickering. Thing is - when he is tired his anxiety and moods ramp up big time and he is difficult to be around sometimes. When I am tired I don't listen and have trouble explaining what I want. Terrible mix. I am so high strung right now  ...I just want to make it to the festival in Oregon where we will just get to relax...but that we are planning with others and that makes it more complicated. I really hope we don't fight a lot. Lately it's hard to know-the last few weeks were wonderful...but then, the last few days haven't again.

I have told him I am going to be supportive. Add in the hatred of worry about set up and then sun and heat and crowds for him and he'll be tense. I have minimal expectations.... I am over the moon because I get to do science at a harm reduction tent in a mini pop up lab saving people's lives next weekend. As long as I have a bed to sleep in and a parasol to keep the sun off I really don't care. I'd love to find my friends there and I'm hoping I'll run into them because otherwise I may be pretty lonely - they are all camping elsewhere in preassigned posh (expensive) camp areas (J and I will be near the stage he works at) . J will be working nights at a stage and need to sleep most of the day so I likely won't see him on the days I work. Although it's a bit lonely being on my own at a festival it is a lot less stressful. J has a lot of needs related to his anxiety and I admit it's hard to not treat his needs poorly because they can be picky and irrational to me...but I have to remember they are real for him. I'm not going to be silly about it, but I am going to try and help him do his job and enjoy himself at least a bit. Where do you draw the line between being supportive and giving up your holiday for someone? It's tricky. This year he's being paid well to be there doing his lasers so I want it to go well for him - this festival is international and it could be HUGE for future work bookings if he kicks ass.

After he leaves I have 4 days to pack and plan. I'd like to go see my dad, even if it is for 1 day and go fishing...but there is just so much to do.

But really tho? I just don't want to fight. I don't want to t bring our drama into my friend's holiday with us either.  But...I admit -on some level I'm expecting it. We already argued today because of me not asking about something and speaking for him while booking things for the trip with friends. We both can be jerks.

Life on a deserted island is looking pretty good right about now...


Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Repairs and Mountains and Music

down from the ridge on a snow packed ascent
Hello.
It's been a while, but I'm doing well. Really. It was up and down but I had some really good times with myself and feel like I'm in a good place at the moment.
Akamina Ridge, Waterton National Park
The hiking trip was wonderful - I hiked up 1000m to the Akamida Ridge and had 2 great hikes with my friends. I can still do what I love. I was full of joy to be able to do this again. To be healthy again. It went OK having J there and the weekend was overall a good thing. Had some great visits around the campfire with old friends. After that J was gone for a few weeks working so I had time to myself to organize and think and get at peace with myself. This past weekend was Astral Harvest Music Festival and although I would have liked to camp with my friends that I usually do camp with our van was stuck in a muddy area so we were separate, but still ended up having some good times with new people despite that. It was a different experience, but overall a good one. I spent time with good people and J and I had a real heart to heart talk at one point where I was able to really pour out my feelings and feel like I was heard. He really heard my hurt and what really was bothering me and I told him what I had been thinking and I have started to put together what I would like to do moving forward to make things better for us and myself.


lunch view from on top of the world
 highest point of the hike
With my counselor and a few books help (like the great book Fuck Feelings - I'd highly recommend it) I've started to look at what I will accept and what I will not in my relationship and life and although there are some things I need to address in myself, there are a lot of things I need to do in my relationship to delineate what I need and want and will accept. Over the past few weeks I have visited and talked with a few very close friends and vented and learned that yes I am taking too much sometimes and no I shouldn't anymore - that there is no reason for me to accept unacceptable behavior or words from anyone -even my husband. I confirmed that I need to be strong and stand up for myself, if only by walking away or being willing to take a stand about what I feel is acceptable or not to work to make things better. Most importantly that I cannot and should not try to fix problems in other people that I have no control over. There are ways I can work to get J to help more in the house. I can say no to things and still be a good person. It's going to be a challenge, but together we are going to try to see what we can do to repair things and I hope that this will begin something new and positive. I am looking after myself instead of putting everyone else first instead...it's odd and slightly guilt making, but a good way to move forward I think. We shall see how it goes.

For now - it's back to work for a few weeks before a big holiday away in BC and Oregon.
Life's a tricky thing. We must embrace it and live it and cherish and build the relationships in our life that mean the most - and these should bring us kindness and happiness, not sorrow and pain. I am willing to work to try and fix things. I hope we can.