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Showing posts from April, 2016

small talk

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I am proud of myself. I'm volunteering at an event on saturday (party with DJs and fine people) and JJ is away for 4 days so I was on my own. I went to the crew meet up at the local brewery last night and managed to talk to people and hold conversations and not just stare at people drooling or make them uncomfortable from my lack of social skills he heh. I even cracked the wise a few times. They weren't uncomfortable when they found out why I was having surgery monday. Just nice people. Hooray. I need to stop with the social anxiety and get out more. Practice makes...well not sucking at least.

There's hope for me yet.

Prairie Sun brewery is a neat little place. They've got a small pub in the front of their brewery where they make about 8 kinds of really nice beer with a few seasonals that really sing (they have a chocolate porter right now that's divine) and also serve a few pubby foods (slider burgers, pizza and the like). They're sponsoring the party on satu…

wednesday waiting

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Trying to get healthy for monday. So far I only have a sinus thing going on. Likely mostly allergies. It's an unusually early spring this year with lots of leaf and snow mold...and they're doing the street sweeping...and there was a fire at a city tire yard last night which didn't help with the air quality. I'm still doing all I can to boost my immune system so I stay like I am. I can deal with a bit of a stuffed head and it won't put off my surgery.
Thank frog.
When I started getting a tickle in my throat and a stuffed up head on friday I was quite surprised at just how visceral a reaction I had to the thought of having to postpone my surgery. It would be a very bad thing for me. Oh yes, I'd deal...but I don't want to. So I'm in defense mode. Lots of rest and many concoctions to boost my system. All my concoctions of ginger, cloves, fresh lemon and honey seem to be helping. I was adding turmeric but by gawd it tasted awful, so I've just taken to co…

Blessed are the wierdmakers

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This article here has a lot to say about how I feel sometimes. Why I am so anxious and emotional sometimes. It defines what is always in the back of my mind. Every ache and pain is a new question. IT sneaks up on you when you least expect it...when you're having a lovely evening or conversation and sometimes....I just have to ignore it dancing madly in front of my brain and pretend everything is fine...because people generally don't want to talk about that kind of stuff. I get it now -I understand now how people who've been through a serious tragic event or accident would want to ignore it. How they would drink or abuse themselves to dull the constant "hey remember this?" in the back of their head....because it never goes away. Because you just have to figure out how to live with it. I hope that by the time I'm old it will fade...that as the years tick by the voice will weaken and lose it's intensity because of how long I've dodged the inevitable. May…

the beautiful people

This weekend was my friend Kim's birthday. It meant a road trip to Regina with friends for a big house birthday party at their house. Got all nostalgic being back in my old home town. I relaxed and danced and had such a nice time. I reconnected with my friends and made a few new ones. Even stopped in at Burger Baron (there's no local one...sniff) before we headed home with the whole Saskatoon crew. My crew.
It's good to have friends. When you feel lonely and then there's all these wonderful kind people who make you laugh? Well. There's nothing much better than that.
I forget sometimes that it's not just me and J in this big crazy world. There are some lovely people who choose to be my friends and I am so grateful for them. We are wierd and we are shiny and it gives me hope that in the midst of all the humdrum and tediousness there is joy and laughter. I'll take it whenever I can get it.

Yes. Good weekend really.

Revelations

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Yesterday I spent part of my day in an Mental Health Awareness Training for Managers class. I learned a lot...not only about how to help and what is appropriate for me to do to help my staff BUT I also, unfortunately, learned a bit about myself.

During the class the discussion and description of depression and anxiety made me stop and think. There was a lot of time spent looking at depression and emotional issues not so much as sadness, but as a dislocation from regular life. As the need for having to back away from social things and life events because it's too much to process...an overload that causes anxiety. Social anxiety at the thought of going out, even with good friends. Have angry responses to demands that seem burdensome when they previously were OK. Spending time alone to process life and finding no joy in things that formerly brought you joy and interest.

Hello me lately.

It's a bit of a kick in the arse to see it in black and white, but it would appear that my tam…

Turn turn turn

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My bus was a bit early today so I got to the gym in time to try their tuesday morning morning spin class...so I took a deep breath and tried it before I could chicken out. It was with Mel, my favourite old crazy instructor whose classes I used to love back before I was diagnosed. She's hard core. Yup - the fact that this was the first spin class since I started chemo so long ago was on my mind today. And you know what? I'm seat sore but I didn't die! :P
I mentioned to Mel beforehand that I was recovering from a surgery and would try not to slack, but needed to watch myself and be aware of my restrictions. I wanted her to know why I wasn't doing the pushups she does before class and might have to pull back if it's too much - didn't want to go into too crazy of details...just left it at that and pushed hard and rested when I needed to...and really enjoyed it. It was tough, yes, but afterwards I felt amazing. After class I did some leg lifts, butt raises and a fe…

A bit odd

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I am torn between being a lazy sod and going hard core this last 3 weeks. Anywhere in between just feels like slacking, so I'd rather enjoy myself.
I have so much going on my life and I'd rather enjoy it...but I also don't want to feel uncomfortable in the summer and if I do my best then I should be content with whatever I am then. I am already a bit uncomfortable with my physique.
*sigh*
I just wanna work out hard core...but I can't yet. So I think hey - why not popcorn and beer?

I've gotta meet myself half way here...and I can't seem to find a balance. I eat for comfort so my relationship with food is not particularly normal...it doesn't help. Even thinking about it this much annoys me.

What's it like to be a regular person for whom food is just fuel?
For me it's deliciousness that I thoroughly enjoy. A lot.
Ah well...
I am hoping more vitamin D will help my mood.
We shall see.
At the moment it is a bit odd I must admit...