Tuesday, September 5, 2017

boundaries

"And her sky was just a bandit hanging at the end of a hangman's noose
Because he stole the moon and must be made to pay for it.

And her friends said 'my that's tragic'
And she said 'especially for the moon'

And this is the world as best as I can remember it."

These lyrics have been floating around in my head the past few days from an old favorite song of mine. It is how I feel right now...

this week's hard learned lesson for me

For the last week since we got home from holidays J and I have been in a trial separation.

His behavior and actions have shown that he is not well. After a giant fight he decided to initiate this and told me things were over. Although he is now calm, remorseful and apologetic and I am not ready to go home yet...and he does not understand why. While it was initiated by him I have become the devil because I am not wanting to just let it go, come home and work on this together as a close and loving couple because I do not think he is well and has not yet gotten help.  I do not think it is right for me...and I just can't yet. Until I feel confident enough to do so and until some concrete things are decided between us about his getting treatment, what issues really matter for me and a plan of how we will work with each other on each of our issues during that time I don't think I should. This will take a long time...and we have all the time in our life to fix it if it can be. I have gone back and forgiven the past too many times to just let it go...I have to look after myself now. I have set boundaries...and am being forced to maintain them. I have refused to be manipulated or guilted into doing what is not right for me and am trying to be strong for what I need. It is the hardest thing I have ever done...and I've done a lot of hard things in my life.

It's terrible...but I am still hopeful. Because I still love him, no matter what he thinks. I know he loves me. It remains to be seen if he will understand and be willing to put in the work to try to fix this or step back instead. Whatever happens I ultimately just want him to get help. I have a wonderful and supportive family and circle of friends who are supportive of me so I feel as tho I am doing what is right.

I hope so...I can go home for a bit today for a few days while he is out of town and hug my cats. Maybe I will stay. Maybe not.


My holidays were mostly amazing though...saw the Orb and Soohan play and J did lasers for them and kicked ass - I've never been so proud. I did science as part of a national harm reduction pilot study. I camped with friends in Oregon and saw a full solar eclipse at the most amazing festival I have ever been to. I laughed with my friends and danced under the stars. Not all bad...but it just ended badly. So very badly.


For now I'll settle for a good night's sleep. Only had 1 since I got home...



Monday, July 31, 2017

1 week left

I am so anxious. At times I am OK but the last few days I've been on the verge of tears occasionally just out of stress.
Why?
In 2 days J leaves to work for a weekend where he will be well paid and with good people but will get little sleep int he very hot sun. He gets back monday sometime utterly exhausted after working and likely up ~30 hours straight and as soon as he arrives we have to toss a few things into the van including me and be off to BC to make it for the training I have to attend for the festival I am volunteering at in BC. I will drive as much as possible and hopefully J can sleep, with a brief stop to sleep a few hours at my sisters on the way. J is also working in BC but he doesn't have to be there until wednesday. We are doing things this year that have never been done before for harm reduction and I really should be there for the training... So we are essentially packing up for 3 weeks away camping now and he is incredibly stressed about it all.

Thing is - we had a few weeks to plan and we have been somewhat getting shade and other items, but we keep bickering and being busy with life so we haven't had as much time to plan as we'd like...plus, the time we have together that is good has been enjoyed relaxing and so really...not quite ready. We'll get by, but not super-planned or fun-planned like in the past. Since J has started working festivals the house becomes an explosion of camp gear and equipment from May until September. There's just stuff everywhere, which makes it seem more maddening than it should be...and I just want to get on the road.

We are already bickering. Thing is - when he is tired his anxiety and moods ramp up big time and he is difficult to be around sometimes. When I am tired I don't listen and have trouble explaining what I want. Terrible mix. I am so high strung right now  ...I just want to make it to the festival in Oregon where we will just get to relax...but that we are planning with others and that makes it more complicated. I really hope we don't fight a lot. Lately it's hard to know-the last few weeks were wonderful...but then, the last few days haven't again.

I have told him I am going to be supportive. Add in the hatred of worry about set up and then sun and heat and crowds for him and he'll be tense. I have minimal expectations.... I am over the moon because I get to do science at a harm reduction tent in a mini pop up lab saving people's lives next weekend. As long as I have a bed to sleep in and a parasol to keep the sun off I really don't care. I'd love to find my friends there and I'm hoping I'll run into them because otherwise I may be pretty lonely - they are all camping elsewhere in preassigned posh (expensive) camp areas (J and I will be near the stage he works at) . J will be working nights at a stage and need to sleep most of the day so I likely won't see him on the days I work. Although it's a bit lonely being on my own at a festival it is a lot less stressful. J has a lot of needs related to his anxiety and I admit it's hard to not treat his needs poorly because they can be picky and irrational to me...but I have to remember they are real for him. I'm not going to be silly about it, but I am going to try and help him do his job and enjoy himself at least a bit. Where do you draw the line between being supportive and giving up your holiday for someone? It's tricky. This year he's being paid well to be there doing his lasers so I want it to go well for him - this festival is international and it could be HUGE for future work bookings if he kicks ass.

After he leaves I have 4 days to pack and plan. I'd like to go see my dad, even if it is for 1 day and go fishing...but there is just so much to do.

But really tho? I just don't want to fight. I don't want to t bring our drama into my friend's holiday with us either.  But...I admit -on some level I'm expecting it. We already argued today because of me not asking about something and speaking for him while booking things for the trip with friends. We both can be jerks.

Life on a deserted island is looking pretty good right about now...


Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Repairs and Mountains and Music

down from the ridge on a snow packed ascent
Hello.
It's been a while, but I'm doing well. Really. It was up and down but I had some really good times with myself and feel like I'm in a good place at the moment.
Akamina Ridge, Waterton National Park
The hiking trip was wonderful - I hiked up 1000m to the Akamida Ridge and had 2 great hikes with my friends. I can still do what I love. I was full of joy to be able to do this again. To be healthy again. It went OK having J there and the weekend was overall a good thing. Had some great visits around the campfire with old friends. After that J was gone for a few weeks working so I had time to myself to organize and think and get at peace with myself. This past weekend was Astral Harvest Music Festival and although I would have liked to camp with my friends that I usually do camp with our van was stuck in a muddy area so we were separate, but still ended up having some good times with new people despite that. It was a different experience, but overall a good one. I spent time with good people and J and I had a real heart to heart talk at one point where I was able to really pour out my feelings and feel like I was heard. He really heard my hurt and what really was bothering me and I told him what I had been thinking and I have started to put together what I would like to do moving forward to make things better for us and myself.


lunch view from on top of the world
 highest point of the hike
With my counselor and a few books help (like the great book Fuck Feelings - I'd highly recommend it) I've started to look at what I will accept and what I will not in my relationship and life and although there are some things I need to address in myself, there are a lot of things I need to do in my relationship to delineate what I need and want and will accept. Over the past few weeks I have visited and talked with a few very close friends and vented and learned that yes I am taking too much sometimes and no I shouldn't anymore - that there is no reason for me to accept unacceptable behavior or words from anyone -even my husband. I confirmed that I need to be strong and stand up for myself, if only by walking away or being willing to take a stand about what I feel is acceptable or not to work to make things better. Most importantly that I cannot and should not try to fix problems in other people that I have no control over. There are ways I can work to get J to help more in the house. I can say no to things and still be a good person. It's going to be a challenge, but together we are going to try to see what we can do to repair things and I hope that this will begin something new and positive. I am looking after myself instead of putting everyone else first instead...it's odd and slightly guilt making, but a good way to move forward I think. We shall see how it goes.

For now - it's back to work for a few weeks before a big holiday away in BC and Oregon.
Life's a tricky thing. We must embrace it and live it and cherish and build the relationships in our life that mean the most - and these should bring us kindness and happiness, not sorrow and pain. I am willing to work to try and fix things. I hope we can.

Thursday, June 29, 2017

fail

So tired. Yesterday didn't go well.
Didn't go to the show last night. Managed to create a huge argument beforehand  after what I did and it just went downhill from there. J went alone. We just cannot communicate without insulting each other somehow. Didn't sleep much last night.

J likely is not coming hiking this weekend. Maybe that is a good thing. We can't seem to stop arguing at the moment. Not sure what will happen with his eye meds but I am not giving up a weekend alone of hiking because he needs eye medicine.

Ugh. I am just so very tired...

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Blink

Up
Down
Up
Down

I am so looking forward to mountain hikes to clear my mind this weekend. Nature therapy. Mountains. Cheese and onion sammiches and sunshine.

Spent hours in the mediclinic last night after a dinner at his parents because J got something in his eye that wouldn't come out (it actually scratched his cornea a bit) and so he had to get it cleaned out - it was quite painful. Other than supper not a great evening really. He has eye ointment now for a week. What fun...guess who is putting it in? Yes. Whee. It doesn't hurt as much this morning and should be healed up in a few days...but annoying. It was such a relief when the doc froze it  to clean it. We were the last person of the evening in the clinic...the poor doctor was exhausted. I went to the closest clinic thinking it would be faster...could have just gone to our regular clinic since the wait was like an hour and a half anyways, but it had to be done. Poor doc had stitched up a screaming kid prior to us and just looked haggard... I just wanted to give him a bottle of wine and a hug. Clinic docs do not get enough respect.

Sooooo....didn't get home until 1130. Not asleep until almost 1. Not a great evening with a husband in pain being grumpy mcgrumpface. At least it's on the mend.

But -today is new. I am at work. It's sunny. There is a good free live show tonight by Delhi to Dublin for the local Jazz Festival that I hope to get out for with a  few friends.There's also all the little things to cheer me up too- at the recommendation of a friend I've been listening to the My Dad Wrote a Porno podcast and laughing my face off on my morning walks. When life is dreary it's good to have a laugh to start your day with. Crude and funny and helps me crack a grin when I need one. Just gotta keep swimming until the weekend.


Monday, June 26, 2017

One of these things is not like the other...

Hi.
It's been a while I know. Just haven't felt like posting for many reasons.
Things are good. And bad. And good. And...well have a seat and I'll catch you up. :)

I'm healing up well from my surgery - it's been 4 weeks now and other than some sensitivity and a few scabs on my incision I'm healing up well. The surgeon took the extra skin off my reconstructed breast and made it smoother and better and the fat grafting has really helped fill in some dents. It's now way perkier than my other breast, so I'll have to have the other one lifted to match-sometime in the late fall I am going back to see my surgeon to plan that out. One more fat grafting session is needed (your body reabsorbs about half the fat they put in) so my once perfect round breasts that have receded a bit will be more rounded and plumped out a bit to match the raised one. No folds and cracks though - it's amazing. Apparently my reconstructed breast implant had ripped out of it's constructed pocket and moved out of place and once it was repaired and restored during the surgery my breast was a lot higher again - plus once the flap of thicker skin from my back was removed to make a more aesthetically pleasing breast it's a bit smaller and higher now as well. Nip and tuck and nip and tuck. Sigh. So, it was good he went in there after all it seems. He asked about doing a lift at the same time literally 10 minutes before the surgery but I just couldn't decide on that short of notice. But - it does look better...and as frustrating as it was at first to see that it is necessary to do so, it's just one more surgery then. It'll better match the foob too with time to heal - about 6 months is best for everything to settle into place. Just one more. I can do that. I'll have the boobs of a 20 year old I tell ya...

The sites on my outer thighs where the fat grafting was taken from was really painful though - I had bruising that was absolutely spectacular. I didn't know you could get that purple. I matched my dark purple hoodie all along the outside of my things - altho I was glad it wan't my bum or sitting would have been nasty.. Thankfully with rest and lots of arnica cream (makes a world of difference!!) the bruising is gone now  - just a bit sensitive to pressure where they dug around and made things even again, but that's fading. The saddlebags on my outer thighs that I've always disliked are gone...so bonus for that I suppose. I was worried I'd look all odd or lumpy, but it looks fine. 10 points for my surgeon. I was back at work, albeit tender and sitting on pillows, a week after surgery. The princess and the pea for sure. :)

I still can't work out vigorously for another 3-4 weeks although walking and riding a bike is OK now so I've started walking to work again. I can get back to squats and lunges this week gently, but no ab or upper body work for at least another 2-3 weeks to make sure that my chest heals up well and the repaired implant pocket stays healed.  I've had to wear an underwire bra 24/7 (must for 6 weeks after surgery) and sleep on my back, but I've getting better. Not the best sleep, but compared to previous major surgeries this was a lot better. So physically - I'm on the mend. I plan to hike in the mountains with a friend this weekend - and I will be recovered enough to do that so I cam very pleased. She's preggers so I figure we can keep up with each other.

My home life on the other hand? Well...lets just say things have been better. J has a lot of things he needs to deal with in his own mind and he has slowly been turning into a different person over the last year or so. Not a bad person ...but someone different...that I can't seem to communicate with on the same level anymore. Our bad days are outnumbering the good days lately, and after yet another weekend of tears and discussion I am starting to wonder. I love him dearly...well who he used to be dearly...but if he doesn't try to get help with his issues and the person he used to be that I fell in love with is really gone ...well, then ...because this new person...is not good for me. For us. Suffice it to say that this summer is going to be filled with a lot of thinking and introspection on my part. I don't want to start putting my thoughts into this direction...but I am forcing myself to be honest and really look at my life. I can't pretend anymore that we're happy and am going to see a counselor to work on my own issues and look at the things that I am bringing into our relationship that need work - I want to find out what is best for both of us. I can't fix him. Just me. And it's not all me...so it's not simple. I just know that I didn't fight my way back to health to be miserable. I'm not saying I'm miserable all the time - far from it. We have our lovely and fun times and that is what I am fighting for. It's just...well...it's complicated. We've been together over 20 years. Ironically he finally got his matching arm tattoo 3 weeks ago...his version of a wedding ring after all these years. I know he still loves me...and I want to hope that things can be fixed I really do. Yet a lot of it isn't up to me. I don't even know where to begin...but I've said enough - our of respect for him and our years together I'm not going to air my dirty laundry here and choose to treat him with respect. Suffice it to say that we are the epitome of the Facebook relationship status - "it's complicated". I truly hope love is enough...

Well now that I've brought you down I want to just say this - don't worry about me. Life has it's ups and downs and there is much much more to do and see and experience in life. I'm still here. Now that I'm not in survival mode I really am choosing to look at my life and see just where things are. For me. For my happiness. If other people aren't going to I have to...what *I* want and need. I'm only 43...and I've got a lot of living to do -I hope for good things. We shall see. I have many good friends who love me. I have my health and I intend to keep it. So I am far better than many others...It's a start. :)

Happy monday my interweb friends. Have a good week  OK?

Thursday, May 25, 2017

I wanna be sedated

Tomorrow is the day. 2:30 PM. Nervous but excited.
I've cooked up a bunch of meat for tacos and prepped some veggies for snacking and tonight with supper I'll cook up another thing or two to warm up and we should be good for a while until I feel better and want to make things. J is rather kitchen challenged, so he can do lunches, but I am planning ahead or he'll just order in pizza all the time. My stomach will not like that so I'm trying to be healthy.

Since I can't eat or drink before surgery and I work with the health region I am going to go into work and keep busy until I have to shuttle over to City Hospital for surgery. It's been crazy trying to get everything done knowing I'll be off a week. I hope I feel reasonably OK after a week when I go back...I have no idea. I may not be walking to work for a while...

I've been getting in solid workouts all week and had a fun weekend away with friends at a mini-festival J did lights and lasers at so I feel like I'm ready. Compared to all the other things this seems rather simple...

We shall see. I'll check in when I'm home and medicated.
Later taters :)